Discovering my queer identity: I wrote aces before I knew the word...

Before I ever took on the label of asexual, I drafted a book called “Trade Circle.” I wrote about a girl whose childhood friend had fallen in love with her, but she didn’t feel that way about him. She had never even thought of him in that way, and she tells him so. When my editor read that line, he asked me “why would she lie.” From his perspective, of course she’d thought of him that way. Of course, she must have considered it. Fortunately, in the time between the draft and the publication, I learned about asexuality, and I could put a name to my character's truth. She wasn't lying. It hadn't occurred to her any more than it had occurred to me. In the final draft of the book, I use the label, so that there is no doubt.

Another example… before I got knee deep into my novel writing, I was writing lots of fanfic. Mostly Firefly, but I have Chuck, Torchwood, Big Bang Theory, and a few others… Not all of it is G-rated, because after writing a few episode-esque Firefly novellas, I learned that adding romance got me more attention and comments. As I had no real experience, I was going mostly on things I could research or learn from other people's writing. (My experience with college boys started making a lot more sense once I learned what non-aces fantasize about.)

Anyway, in the Big Bang Theory, Sheldon made it very clear in the early episodes that he wasn’t interested in relationships. When he finally met up with Amy, it became clear that he was not interested in a physical relationship. It really bothered me (1) that Amy flipped the script and suddenly wanted more from him, and (2) that she kept pressuring him to be physical when he made it clear he didn’t want to. I was very happy when they broke up, because it became clear they were incompatible in this manner. And it made me sad, so I wrote, because I thought she needed to listen and respect him. I didn’t realize I’d head-cannoned him as being like me—being asexual. I’m sad the writers decided not to go that way.

It kind of struck me how important it is to address identity (even lack of identity) in a clear way. People can make their own head canons and deny what you wrote. (Fan pairings in fanfic is enough to prove that.) For me, calling a character asexual isn’t just about identifying what they feel, but in confirming 100% to readers like me that what they feel is real and valid, and they are in fact seeing themselves.